Monday, February 23, 2009

ruminations on reality

It has been almost 3 weeks since my last post. It is not that I didn't want to blog, I just have been having a difficult time. There have been some challenges in my personal life, and I can't write about it because it concerns family members, and they prefer that I not discuss it in this forum. So you might not understand what this post is about. Never fear, I hope I will feel better discussing it in a vague and oblique manner. And that is what life is all about, right? ME?



I have been surprised at how much losing my previous posts saddens me. It is almost like losing part of myself.... almost like I have had writer's block because I left off in a different place, and can't connect back to that me. I know...very wierd.



Being the mom means that the general vibe/spirit of the home is instigated and reflected by you. "If Mom ain't happy, ain't nobody happy", or so goes the couplet. The hardest part is maintaining equanimity when all around you are in turmoil-whether due to physical, emotional,or spiritual needs. Taking time for yourself to recharge, of course would help. Unfortunately, in my specific situation that is not a feasible alternative. In self defense, I find myself retreating for a daily nap, hoping the house doesn't burn down in my temporary removal from intense atmospheric stress. And in that action I am disappointed.



Left to wonder at my response to environmental stimuli, I am forced to evaluate my own inner strength and stamina. Am I doing what I need to be? Why do small things appear to cause spin off tornadoes from the daily hurricane, and is there damage being done to the bystanders? If damage is occurring, can it be repaired? What are the long term ramifications for the major players, and are those on the sidelines sufficiently protected to weather the storm? Most important of all, IS THE STORM ALMOST OVER????!!! BECAUSE I AM GETTING REALLY SICK OF IT!!



Usually politics and world happenings are engrossing. I can't summon the focus to even examine current events, let alone decide how they may affect my family's future. Hours of crocheting serve to numb my mind and in autopilot, the daily tasks of running a home are accomplished. A verse fills my mind- "When I was a child I spoke as a child....now I see through a glass darkly...." Acknowledging that in the future we will see clearly and all will be restored to perfect form, I am left once again wondering......WHAT am I going to blog about??

8 comments:

Jess said...

I will be praying that things clear up QUICKLY for you :) Please call if you need anything!

Neighbor Jane Payne said...

"The sun will come out . . . tomorrow. . . and . . . tomorrow is only a day a way" right? Hang in there, Viki, hang in there.

Kathy said...

My goodness your anquish is poetic! I remember vividly feeling and being as you have just described. I felt like I was in the boxing ring and that I was being punched and punched and that I didn't get to go to the corner often enough or long enough to recover!!! Hang in there, listen to good music, read good literature, pray, study the scriptures, and yes, the "Sun will come out tomorrow". Find a way to frame the outcome you want and start praying specifically for it. Frame the out come in positive terms and use those terms in our every day speach. I know these thing work, because I have applied them to my life! I love you and I am sorry that you have been suffering so. We love so deeply and are so anxious to have a positive out come. Also, visualize the ones you love in the temple. I am way too preachy? May the Lord bless you in the righteous desires of your heart!!!

MCCONKIE FAMILY said...

I so know the quiet anquish you speak of. Everytime I think "I can't do this anymore"; I hear a quiet voice say "Yes You Can!" I know it is Satan's real influence in our lives to discourage us. We don't have control over anything or anyone other than ourselves. You are a positive influence in my life! I love you! Consider yourself Hugged!

Korbi said...

hello my friend... :)

Monkeys ARDently In Sinc said...

Amen Kathy and Jane and and and ... all who send you love and prayers for a happier tomorrow!
Glad to see you're still smiling, though, and keeping your "stiff upper lip"!
Luv ya bunches!

Lori said...

You are loved! Just a reminder. We all need one sometime.

Mindy said...

You have such a way with words! Hope you have a better day today!